It is my desire that you read this with an open mind and heart. There will be things that you may not agree with. I ask that you search the WORD OF GOD so that even these things that are not agreeable to you will lead you to a deeper love and understanding of the GOD we serve.
“Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.”

‭‭(1 John‬ ‭4:1‬ ‭KJV)‬‬

Vashti was once queen of Persia. Her husband was king Ahasuerus. He was very powerful. His kingdom had an hundred and twenty seven provinces.
“Now it came to pass in the days of Ahasuerus, (this is Ahasuerus which reigned, from India even unto Ethiopia, over an hundred and seven and twenty provinces:) That in those days, when the king Ahasuerus sat on the throne of his kingdom, which was in Shushan the palace,”

‭‭(Esther‬ ‭1:1-2‬ ‭KJV‬‬)
Well the simple answer is that she disobeyed the king’s command to appear before him. Read the scriptures below for more details.
“Also Vashti the queen made a feast for the women in the royal house which belonged to king Ahasuerus. On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded Mehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha, and Abagtha, Zethar, and Carcas, the seven chamberlains that served in the presence of Ahasuerus the king, To bring Vashti the queen before the king with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on. But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s commandment by his chamberlains: therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him. Then the king said to the wise men, which knew the times, (for so was the king’s manner toward all that knew law and judgment: And the next unto him was Carshena, Shethar, Admatha, Tarshish, Meres, Marsena, and Memucan, the seven princes of Persia and Media, which saw the king’s face, and which sat the first in the kingdom;) What shall we do unto the queen Vashti according to law, because she hath not performed the commandment of the king Ahasuerus by the chamberlains? And Memucan answered before the king and the princes, Vashti the queen hath not done wrong to the king only, but also to all the princes, and to all the people that are in all the provinces of the king Ahasuerus. For this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands in their eyes, when it shall be reported, The king Ahasuerus commanded Vashti the queen to be brought in before him, but she came not. Likewise shall the ladies of Persia and Media say this day unto all the king’s princes, which have heard of the deed of the queen. Thus shall there arise too much contempt and wrath. If it please the king, let there go a royal commandment from him, and let it be written among the laws of the Persians and the Medes, that it be not altered, That Vashti come no more before king Ahasuerus; and let the king give her royal estate unto another that is better than she. And when the king’s decree which he shall make shall be published throughout all his empire, (for it is great,) all the wives shall give to their husbands honour, both to great and small.”

‭‭(Esther‬ ‭1: 9-20‬ ‭KJV‬‬)
Now some of you are probably thinking that her punishment was harsh considering that all she did was refuse to come when called. After all she wasn’t a servant . There’s a few problems with thinking that.

1. She was still a subject of the king even though she was the queen.**

2. The king was not sober at the time and one might think that his counselors were in the same condition.**
“In the third year of his reign, he made a feast unto all his princes and his servants; the power of Persia and Media, the nobles and princes of the provinces, being before him: When he shewed the riches of his glorious kingdom and the honour of his excellent majesty many days, even an hundred and fourscore days. And when these days were expired, the king made a feast unto all the people that were present in Shushan the palace, both unto great and small, seven days, in the court of the garden of the king’s palace; Where were white, green, and blue, hangings, fastened with cords of fine linen and purple to silver rings and pillars of marble: the beds were of gold and silver, upon a pavement of red, and blue, and white, and black, marble. And they gave them drink in vessels of gold, (the vessels being diverse one from another,) and royal wine in abundance, according to the state of the king. And the drinking was according to the law; none did compel: for so the king had appointed to all the officers of his house, that they should do according to every man’s pleasure.”

‭‭(Esther‬ ‭1:3-8‬ ‭KJV‬‬)
3. Him commanding her to appear was so that he could show her off like a trophy. She was nothing but another possession to him.

“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”

‭‭(Colossians‬ ‭3:19‬ ‭KJV‬‬)
I had a professor in college who clarified the conditions that make submitting to your husband possible without causing resentment and bitterness. Basically a wife can freely submit when she is loved. This more than saying those three little words that easily roll off the tongue but didn’t come from the heart. A husband must provide for his wife to the best of his ability. Not just financially , but emotionally as well. Vashti did not lack any material thing. Perhaps she saw herself as equal to king Ahasuerus.

Now let me be perfectly clear. Scripture is very clear in how a wife should treat her husband.
Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

‭‭(Ephesians‬ ‭5:24‬ ‭KJV‬‬)
Was Vashti wrong? Yes,but the king was also in error. Because he seemed to be lacking in the love department. He and his counselors were more concerned with how her act of defiance looked than understanding why and seeing that an abundance of proud on both sides made this possible.



A long time ago in a peaceful village there lived a wonderful man. Although he never married it was said that he looked after the widows and the fatherless. But I must speak the whole truth. Not one having a need of any kind was ever turned away. The sick of body,mind,and soul all found healing in his presence. He wasn’t a fan of the village elders, but he knew that people had a right to accept or reject him and any one else outcast or insider. Over time the village came to appreciate the miracle working man in their midst. One day they decided to honor him. The picked a day and called it his birthday. The decorated and sang and gave gifts to him and to each other. However, something was very wrong. The day that they picked was not his birthday and the customs that they engaged in were pagan and totally against everything that he represented. When he confronted them they tried to explain. The mayor spoke up and said,” You see we don’t really know the exact date because you never told us. So we picked this day because it coincides with a day that we’ve celebrated for generations. Now see how much we love you. We made all of this for and about you.”The man was sad. He asked them why they made him an after thought. Surely his friends and the people he had helped would see that the best way to honor him would be to live the way that he showed them. He never asked for this. A day polluted with paganism and idolatry called his birthday. He tried his best to tell them that this was wrong,but no one would listen. They were overjoyed. They could keep their old ways and in their minds honor such a great man. As the years passed people forgot that the day was chosen for other reasons. They believed that the day was correct. Even those who knew better went along with tradition. To this day the man is still sad that people use him as an excuse to continue to walk in darkness as they claim to follow the light.
Here’s my point, when you love someone you don’t randomly celebrate their birthday on any day you choose. You also don’t participate in customs that are the direct opposite of everything that they stand for. 


I wrote this song for my fiancé. It’s about how I picture our life together. Spending the nights in love and fully blessed. I know that some of you have already heard this buy I wanted to include the lyrics. Enjoy!

Here’s the link to hear the song.

The sun has set and work is done
It’s the evening
To my home is where I run
It’s the evening
Supper’s ready table’s set
I thank God my needs are met
Peace love and joy abound when the sun goes down
Children play without a care
It’s the evening
Prayers from my heart with the Lord I’ll share
In the evening
Blessings come my way at the end of everyday
My strength is renewed
It’s like I’m brand new
Sweetly in moonlight your kisses give
In the evening
Oh what joy my time with you is
In the evening
And though may walk for a thousand miles
In the evening
I’ll greet you my love with the warmest smile
In the evening
In our room and close to you
What else would we rather do
Lights down low arms wrapped up tight it’s a loving night
And the time is right for a sweet sweet night
3XLa la la la la la la la In the evening
Cuddled with you is what I love to do
In the evening


I am truly blessed in a world full of everything but what you really need I found my heart ,soul, and reason for not going postal. Exactly eleven years ago I met my best friend. I had just been dumped by yet another asshole. I was on a 3D chat room we called Rose. was I new experience for me. I met people from all over and quickly discovered that the name of the game for some was hurt because you have been hurt. The calm inviting waters of my new environment turned in to rushing white waters. It was tough to make real connections at first. In time I built a family of people who wanted to support each other. Still I felt alone. So one day a few kind words led to a movie night and with in three days we were chatting everyday for hours on the phone. Getting to know the person behind the aviator can be a very scary process because honest disclosure is a requirement for me as well. I had been hurt so many that my walls were indestructible or so I thought. Now you may be this is probably another catfish story. GUESS WHAT IT’S NOT! For years all we had was phone calls, video chat, and virtual reality. Even when we made the move to go to Second Life it was one step closer to real life. Then I got pneumonia and ended up in ICU where I almost died. At that time Terry decided to come see me. Our life together would now be full time real life. This may sound odd, but I convinced him to wait three months to come, because I didn’t want the first time he saw to be me hooked up to oxygen. He knew all about my disability but I wanted the moment we met to be unmarred by pity. Through many other ups and downs we made it. Learning to see yourself as something other than your past failures or past days of glory takes love. A mirror of love is in you reflecting all the positive traits and or attributes that you possess. As you love yourself you improve, but you long to be seen as you now see you. I had given hope when it came to that til met Terry. Now I what it’s like to accept someone for who they are and what it’s like to be accepted for who I am. Faults and all. Now we have started the process of becoming one flesh while fleeing fornication. I HAVE CHOSEN TO RECEIVE AND ACCEPT MY BLESSING AND BURY MY PAST


Ok I know that I’ve been away for awhile but things happen in life that you don’t want and can’t possibly prepare for. My grandpa recently die of cancer. He fought hard like he did with everything. He actually lived a lot longer than the doctors thought possible. This experience has opened my eyes to something that I’ve been trying to deny for years. Growing up I had one source of wisdom wrapped up in unconditional love. We didn’t always agree but I never questioned his love. The hard truth of the matter is not every around in my very own family shared his views. I really had to look at that. I once had a college professor tell the class that I easily admitted my faults. I’m so used to saying sorry that I would apologize for giving a complement. Then I noticed something very odd. And I mean odd. There were people who would do wrong and speak wrong not just to me but to others and never utter a word of remorse. And guess what no one says a word. Others justify this behavior with well it could be worse or at least they didn’t. You see because so little is expected of them as long as they don’t fuck up too bad everyone is happy. They can take wooden nickels. Buy oceanfront property is Arizona. Even buy a hamburger today with only the promise of being paid on Tuesday. So it seems that ignorance is not only bliss,but it gets handsomely rewarded. I am in no way claiming perfection. No one does everything right all the time. I’m really only asking for one thing. Get off my back about my life choices. I now believe that it is possible to be replaced even in the most scared of relationships. Let me you give some examples :

1. Your best friend of almost thirty years only contacts you when their life is shitty or to gloat. You call to see about them and make sure you are always there for them,but your turn never seems to come.

2. None of your childhood friends want to hang out with you unless you organize and pay for it # Rent -A Friend
There are no invites to lunch, the movies, or coffee. However, you are still obligated to care and remember birthdays anniversaries and other friend code events. No calls to chat with you unless they think that you’re in crisis. Then pity drives them to do what should be the norm.

3. People in shattered glass houses point there fingers at you and condemn every word,action, and thought that you ever have or will have. They are beyond opinionated. They aren’t trying to keep you from making the same mistakes. They just want to judge you.
So does the GOLDEN RULE MAKE YOU A DOORMAT? The answer is NO! How people treat you isn’t always your fault and bitterness helps no one. You can start again and hit the mute button!!!!


Life is full of challenges. And I firmly believe that people with character have been through their own personal hell. If your lucky most of it is you can repress til you have time to deal with it. We tell ourselves what I call coping lies.

    1. What am I so upset about ? There are people a lot worse of than me. News flash there will always be people worse and better than you. It’s sick to try to cheer yourself up with the misery of others so STOP IT !
    2. They didn’t mean it that way. Check their track record before making excuses for them.
    3. Everyone has bad days mine is just lasting a year or two.
    4. If they’re yelling at me at least they’re talking to me.
    5. They really do care about me. They’re not just being nice because they want money or some other form of support. Here’s a good test see if they come around when you have nothing. Where are they when your in need.
    6. I don’t have to feel this way so I don’t feel this way. When you don’t deal with it you will eventually implode.
    7. I can’t do that because it will hurt them. Wake up! They hurt you without a second thought. And if your not being malicious let your happiness hurt them.
    8. They’re only words the don’t really bother me. BULLSHIT!!! Harsh words especially repeated over and over can cause mortal wounds to the soul.
    9.I’m just paying for my mistakes. That may be true but it does not mean you won’t ever be free of this shit.
    I’m willing to bet that you have one person that truly loves you. And I mean unconditionally. Let them help you undo the web of lies that has trapped you. Not everything in life feels good. Sometimes you feel like your dying when your familiar hell starts to get a little heavenly.
    My love has always told me “, This too shall pass.” However nothing began to change until I took the baby steps required to leave my emotional and mental prison behind.


I often have to stop myself from comparing myself to others. Most people would think that beauty was my main concern, but it goes beyond that. People like them better and hangout with them more. Good things happen to them often, easily and fast. Even little things are a struggle for me . Add to that the judging that occurs when you go against the grain. Because at some point in your life you are given a mirror that reflects everything everyone else sees in you and expects from you. Not all of it bad but none of it you’ve had a say in. So you try to make yourself fit the image that you see staring back at you. This only makes your life suck. So you try to find things that make you happy. All the while the mirror mocks you and taunts with how perfect everyone else is. Do you yield or do you choose to only see yourself the way that GOD sees you.


In the darkness a midst a great storm a baby was girl was born. Alone and her labor long a young girl struggled to bring into the world a storm that would never be ignored. Now here I am! Imperfect ,bold,strong, loving, and willing to live life with everything I can. All my life I’ve lived with the stigma of having a disability. Ignorance and fear of the unknown have been some the biggest hurdles to overcome not my own , but that of others. After a year and a half of my mother telling doctors that there was something wrong the finally diagnosed me with Cerebral Palsy. Although I never was placed in one of the categories of Cerebral Palsy my mom was advised put me in a home or institution. My mom chose to raise me like any other child and do all she could to help me focus on my abilities rather than my disability . They gave me no chance for a normal life. At times I was mocked,bullied beyond belief,and treat as less than human! This is where my mom’s relationship with GOD gave her the strength to fight for me and that example helped learn how to fight for myself. I know that the phrase”, Knowledge Is Power” seems cliché ,but its true. Growing up in what I call”, The Hearth & Soul Messianic Yeshiva( My Grandparents Home)”. I learned that to truly understand the world and its Creator further study on my own and with others is required. Over the years you discover that not everything you need to know will not be told to you or written in a book. For example when I was younger it was implied that my disability was genetic. A crushing blow for a little girl who wanted to be a mommy. Basic things people take for granted like equal education like that of my non-disabled counter parts was a fight because of the stereotype that predicted that my intelligence had to feeble do to this neurological diseased of mine. The number of parents that trust the words of experts without seeing the the true potential of their own child still surprises me. Some times a label can become a self filling prophecy or an excuse medicate and ignore bad behavior while lowering expectations. Some people may believe that a persons quality of life should determine their quantity of life if any. These days science can tell us if there will be problems In life before you even come outta the womb. The odds I was given as a child sucked. It was hard, but THANK GOD I continue to overcome obstacles with sometimes falling yet never staying down. My family and friends cheer me on and the loudest and most energetic is my mommy! NOW IF I WAS YOUR CHILD AND YOU WERE TOLD OF MY CONDITION, WOULD YOU ABORT ME JUST BECAUSE MY LIFE WOULD HAVE SOME HARD TIMES? NO LIFE IS WITHOUT PAIN LONG OR SHORT. IT’S NOT YOUR LIFE TO LIVE!


Are you carrying around dead weight? Many people do without even knowing it. People take and take with the occasional thank you. They know how to reach you to when they are feel like their life is over,something didn’t go their way. Or when they wanna gloat about an accomplishment . Now you feel sick inside every time you have to be there for someone that is a fair weather friend. You don’t require tit for tat , but a little equality wouldn’t hurt. So let it die . That notion of who those people are to you. Bury any ill will you have toward them and just walk away.